Becoming Rose

Full

2010-04-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

Judah is 7 months young, still little and so big.

I kiss his cheeks, his neck, his round belly, I rub his soft baby skin and try to memorize the size of his tiny fingers and toes. I stare into his eyes and hope that he is memorizing me, his mama, the one who gave birth to him and holds him every day and nurses him every night before bed.

I hope he can see the love in my eyes, and know that I will never leave him, or stop loving him no matter what he does... I hope he grows up to remember our moments together and cherish them and know how treasured he is, and how much joy he brings to my life.

He is the baby who makes me want to have a million babies, he is the boy who made me a mother, turned me from careless girl to caring, careful woman.

I know that Judah will be a man before I can blink. I know that one day, I will wake up, and he will have grown a beard and muscles and I will look up at him in wonder.

So, when I think, should I carry him or put him in the stroller, should I force the schedule or let him linger and nurse as long as he likes, and should I hurry up and go or stay in this moment, and miss the church announcements, the answer is always, carry him, hold him, snuggle and love on him as much and as long as he will let me.

After all, soon he will be grown, up and gone away, chasing dreams and adventures. I hope I can give him as much love as he can take in, and I pray for God to fill in the gaps that my imperfect love will leave. My prayer for Judah is that he will be full of love, full of life, full of truth.

This Is A Picture Blog

2009-06-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

27 weeks along!! We have decided (sort of) on a name... Captain Judah Jackson, but we will call him Judah. At least that's our "deal"... I am not crazy about Captain, but Husband's not budging & I did promise to submit to Him in all things, as unto the Lord, sooo... There we have it.

More baby pictures!! Yay!!

2009-06-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

My belly is just growing so darn fast... I love my little man! Today I was listening to music and singing along, and he started dancing in my belly! After the song was over I leaned back and watched him kick. Every time he moved I would exclaim, "Wow!" or "That was a big one!!" or "Good job!" and he would pause, and do it again! He stopped for a minute and I was quiet, then I said "Do you want to kick again for Mommy?" and he did!! He is so smart :).

My Bump, my Bump, my Lovely Baby Bump

2009-05-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

So far I haven't done a completely stellar job of keeping this blog updated. I have trouble getting motivated because I don't think anyone even reads this. I think, I already know what's going on with me and I don't really need to type it all out for myself to read. Although, as I write those very words, my next thought is, "Well it would still be good to process things instead of letting them get all jumbled up in your head!" Oh self, how right you are.

An update: Judah has been kicking alot lately! Sometimes it seems like he's moving nonstop all day long! Other days I don't feel that much movement. It's always so exciting when he does the big kicks, or when it feels like he's rolling around in my belly. He seems so big and strong in there!

Here are some of my recent pictures of a growing belly with a growing baby inside. :)

"Why is this picture orange?" you may ask. I don't know. Bathroom lighting?

This is one of my favorites...

Except that I had been cleaning and didn't have on my wedding rings. Oops!

What Only He Can Do

2009-04-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Misty Edwards:

I'll take my cold, cold heart
I'll take my unrenewed mind
I'll take Your Word in my hand
And I'll give You time, to come and melt me

I can't even love You unless You call my name
I can't even worship unless You anoint my heart, God
I can't even want You unless You want me first
Come fan the flame, oh oh come fan the flame yeah
Do what only You can do - Come fan the flame

Words like these are so freeing for me. I struggle with approaching God sometimes, because I don't feel like I'm in the right frame of mind, or have the right attitude. I am aware of my sin and brokenness, so I want to hide, or clean up before I go to Him. Which is impossible to do on my own anyway. I don't want to fake it, either. I know God can tell when I'm faking it, so why bother?
This song reminds me of the free gift of grace. That I never have been worthy, or ever will be worthy. That any time I have had communion with God, it was because of His goodness, not my own. It takes the burden off of me and puts it where it belongs: on Him. "Cast your burdens onto Me..." It is silly of me in the first place to even think I can be "good enough" for Him. Which is good news, because I don't have to be. He accepts me just as I am. All I have to do is just ask, for Him to 'come, fan the flame'...

Blessed By Baby!!!!!

2009-04-13T11:46:00.001-07:00

I'm pregnant! And thrilled. :) Here are my first "real" baby bump pictures... I've taken a few but now you can actually tell there's a bump! I can't wait til I feel him/her kicking around, that should happen within the next few weeks. :) :) :)

4 months along...

I just can't wait til s/he comes out so I can hug and kiss and cuddle! We have a boy name picked out--sort of. Blake likes Captain and I like Judah. I prefer Judah Blake Jackson, but Blake seems stuck on Captain so it might end up being Captain Judah Jackson. We haven't really thought of any girls' names because I just KNOW it's a boy! It just is.

Got to go, Mom J is here for lunch.

Thankful

2008-11-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

Life is hard lately, so, to cheer myself up, I'm going to make a list of things that I'm thankful for:

1.) I'm thankful that God forgives me and loves me in spite of how ugly and wretched I truly am.

2.) I'm thankful for my husband, Blake. He inspires me to live and love bigger. His selfless love for me reminds me of Christ, and he truly does 'give himself up for me' on a daily basis. I do not deserve him, but I am so glad I have him anyway!

3.) I'm actually surprisingly thankful that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm really beginning to see the importance of God's timing and remembering that He is sovereign and ever so much wiser than me. I am thankful that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want, when we want it; instead, He gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

4.) I'm thankful for my family. They give me the comfort of knowing that there are actually people in this world who get me, who I don't have to explain so much to.

5.) I am thankful that I have a place to live, that I don't go hungry any day of the week, that I have lots of great clothes and shoes and makeup that make me look and feel good, and that I can take a shower anytime I want, and that I have a car to drive and my own cell phone and pretty much lack nothing. Gosh, I am so lucky.

6.) I am thankful that I am in Florida and it is warm in November and I never have to be cold again! Well you never know exactly, but I am glad that, for now, I'm very comfortable and not cold.

7.) I'm thankful that I have a bed to sleep on and a hot and sexy lover to go cuddle with.

So I think I will go cuddle... :)

This World

2008-10-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

There's tarnish on my Golden Rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who are not afraid to love

This world has nothing for me, and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear
So when You say, "Who will go?" I am nowhere near

But the least of these look like criminals to me
so I leave Christ on the street

This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
So now I'm breaking up, I'm waking up, I'm making up for lost time

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

~written by Aaron Tate of Caedmon's Call

PG-13: Some language

2008-10-13T11:18:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: This is a rant. All questions ARE rhetorical, no cliche advice please.

Why the heck am I not pregnant yet? Am I going to be one of those barren women who has to get shots in the ass? Go ahead and gross me out! Blake offered to get me a kitten. A wonderfully sweet gesture, but... not the same. What's it gonna take for me to get knocked up already? Geez...

Change

2008-10-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Change. Love it or hate it, it's coming. My mind has been going a million miles an hour ever since we decided on this whole moving thing. I'm so excited to be close to Blake's family (who I'm more and more thinking of as my own) but also hesitant to get too worked up. Circumstances in the past have created a strained relationship, at best, with many of his family members. And as much as I want to love them and be close to them and for everything to be warm and cozy, I'm not really sure that's what they want--from me. Maybe they want me to just stay out of the way and not cause trouble. I know that no matter how much I want to be close to them, I can't force them to want to know me or to love me back. I just love loving, but I've never met a group of people who make it so hard. So, whoever's reading, if anyone is, say a prayer for us as we make this huge transition in our lives.

Pride

2008-10-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

I love myself. I tell people so all the time, in fact. And I just happen to think that I'm amazing. Ugh. I know that this is kind of... OPPOSITE of what God wants from me and I just can't seem to undo it.

Today at work, a coworker made a comment about what I was wearing. She probably didn't mean anything by it (or maybe she did... grrr), but either way, I reacted with sarcastic, biting remarks. A friend described my reaction as "cold and relentless". I'm not proud of what I did, I'm kind of ashamed, actually. But I can't bring myself to apologize. So that's where I am right now. I think in my mind, I equate apologizing with giving permission to walk all over me again. I tend to put up with crap and be 'long suffering'... Maybe I'm just at the point in my life where enough feels like enough. I want to stand up for myself.

I guess I keep forgetting that God is a lot better at that than I am.

Happenings In the Life of Rose

2008-09-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 months since we went off of birth control, so I feel like pregnancy is right around the corner. I'm excited, but I'm not obsessing over getting pregnant anymore... My feeling is, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen.

In other news, Blake and I have decided to move back to Florida! I'm half excited and half freaking out... His family still scares me a little bit, but I love them alot and I'm looking forward to getting to see them more. And hopefully I will be expecting soon, so it makes sense to be around family. I'm really not looking forward to moving, but I am looking forward to being there, and going to the beach more often. I love the beach so much. Speaking of the beach, here are some pictures of our recent trip to Myrtle...

This was the view from our hotel balcony :)

See how happy and in love I am with the photographer?

Here's Blake in what we have come to know as the Elevator of Death.

The Happy Couple :)

2008-08-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy. I feel so weighed down. My grandmother is in the hospital dying, and there are conflicts in my family that are causing me tremendous grief. Two of the people I love most insist on hating each other (even though they wouldn't put it that way--if the other person would just get their act together...) and I am stuck in the middle. Add that to my daily responsibilities in the house and my job, and I am overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no one to turn to--even though I know that feeling is a lie. I have God. For some reason that just isn't bringing me much peace right now. I guess I haven't done a very good job of depending on Him lately. I tend to get up close and then run and hide. So maybe it's time for me to come out of hiding... I just feel so broken with nothing to bring. I have this belief that I have to offer something to be worthy, to prove that I am worth God's time. I know that's not true, but I haven't started believing it yet.

My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.
Ps 6:3

P.E. & S.S.

2008-08-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not pregnant. In a way I'm kind of glad to know. It's really nerve-wracking not knowing. Now I know. Anyway, the Doc said it would probably be a couple months before things kick back in. I was kind of hoping for Power Egg and Super Sperm to prove him wrong, but I guess I'll have to wait like everyone else. It's kind of a relief, knowing I have at least a little more time Before Baby. A little more Just Us time.

Anyway, my life... I'm not up to much lately. I wish I painted more. I've been trying to figure out how to keep a clean house. It's easy to clean the house, but having a system where it is generally clean most of the time would be nice. I have no idea how these things work. I love doing the laundry, but the bathroom is never clean! I clean it and by the next day it's got spots and dust and who knows what else. Dishes... the bane of my existence. Blehhhhh.... Overall, though, I really don't mind cleaning. I love having a clean house. :)

Full Disclosure?

2008-08-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

Some people are such good bloggers. They can write funny, witty, interesting stories and paragraphs about things from their lives, but without giving too much away. I don't think I have a good filter for what to share and not share. Because my impulse is to spill the beans, go into detail, and bare all. That would be interesting, no doubt about that... but do I really want strangers reading about things that I wouldn't want my family to know? And what if my family finds this blog...
What might be a no-brainer for some bloggers is becoming a real dilemma for me. I want to write, but I don't want to be weird. I long to be real, but I don't want to embarass myself or my husband, or anyone else involved in my crazy life. I've always been 'straight up'. I just come out and say how it is. I'm kind of bold. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get some grace with my truth. Are there any rules for this kind of thing?

I Want to Remember This

2008-08-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

This morning Blake & I woke up and stayed in bed for a while having cozy pillow talk- my favorite. :) I asked him for the billionth time this week, "Do you think I'm pregnant?" He said, "I don't know." Then he pulled back the covers and put his face right next to my stomach and called out, "Hello? Is anyone in there? Can you hear me?" Then he put his ear to my belly and listened carefully. "Are you in there, Captain? Kick twice for yes and once for no!" I felt that feeling Blake always gives me when he's so wonderful I can barely stand it, and I can't grasp how this could be my life. Oh, the joy. Praise God for his grace and love! He gives good presents. :)

Puppies

2008-08-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

I worry sometimes that becoming a mother this early in life could be a mistake. Will I regret it? Will I be there, with my child, wishing for something else? Will the love I feel really be enough to compensate for the sacrifices & challenges-- not in an idealistic, picturesque way, but in real, daily life? What about my body? I worry and I fret and I go around and around, but there aren't any real answers for me since this is all so new. I've never been here before, and this really seems to be one of those things that's different for everybody.
So, today at work, one of the regulars came in with his new puppy. This adorable, soft, cuddly golden retriever lab (my favorite dog, by the way). I was immediately smitten. Before I even knew what was happening, I was over there, all up in that puppy's face- petting her, asking questions (girl or boy? how old? etc.), and squealing with delight. It was amazing; I loved this puppy instantly. I just wanted to take her home and love her and cuddle her and I wouldn't care if she made a mess or barked too loud or whatever. I have to ask myself, if I can fall in love with this guy's dog, just like that, how much more amazing will be the love that I have for my own baby? I want to be pregnant now!

Starting Out

2008-07-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

I keep typing things and deleting them. This is my first blog entry; it feels sort of sacred.

I'm on the cusp. Big things are ahead; I can feel it. I'm excited, and I'm a little scared--well, not scared, just... I want to prepare. I want to be ready. Ready to give this my all. It is possible that soon I will begin the most important task of my life, the best one. So, here I am. I want to remember what this felt like; savor all of the little nuances that will likely be left behind in all of the excitement and thrill of this new life. Then I can come back and reminisce on how green I was and how far I've come.

This is me, becoming Rose. Rose the wife, Rose the mother, Rose: daughter of the King.