Letting Go

i can not control other peoples' thoughts or attitudes toward me. whether they love me or leave me, i can only choose where to focus, and what my response will be.

i can not control judah. i can only train him. i can ask for help. i can give myself grace. i can ask God to give me wisdom.

i can not control when our next child is conceived and born. i can not make life. only God can. i can only trust the Creator. and pray and pray and beg for a baby. and wait, and trust. and pray some more.

holding on to this truth today:

the Lord is righteous in all his ways, and kind in all his works. ps 145:17
i can trust Him!

Full

Judah is 7 months young, still little and so big.

I kiss his cheeks, his neck, his round belly, I rub his soft baby skin and try to memorize the size of his tiny fingers and toes. I stare into his eyes and hope that he is memorizing me, his mama, the one who gave birth to him and holds him every day and nurses him every night before bed.

I hope he can see the love in my eyes, and know that I will never leave him, or stop loving him no matter what he does... I hope he grows up to remember our moments together and cherish them and know how treasured he is, and how much joy he brings to my life.

He is the baby who makes me want to have a million babies, he is the boy who made me a mother, turned me from careless girl to caring, careful woman.

I know that Judah will be a man before I can blink. I know that one day, I will wake up, and he will have grown a beard and muscles and I will look up at him in wonder.

So, when I think, should I carry him or put him in the stroller, should I force the schedule or let him linger and nurse as long as he likes, and should I hurry up and go or stay in this moment, and miss the church announcements, the answer is always, carry him, hold him, snuggle and love on him as much and as long as he will let me.

After all, soon he will be grown, up and gone away, chasing dreams and adventures. I hope I can give him as much love as he can take in, and I pray for God to fill in the gaps that my imperfect love will leave. My prayer for Judah is that he will be full of love, full of life, full of truth.

This Is A Picture Blog

27 weeks along!! We have decided (sort of) on a name... Captain Judah Jackson, but we will call him Judah. At least that's our "deal"... I am not crazy about Captain, but Husband's not budging & I did promise to submit to Him in all things, as unto the Lord, sooo... There we have it.

More baby pictures!! Yay!!

My belly is just growing so darn fast... I love my little man! Today I was listening to music and singing along, and he started dancing in my belly! After the song was over I leaned back and watched him kick. Every time he moved I would exclaim, "Wow!" or "That was a big one!!" or "Good job!" and he would pause, and do it again! He stopped for a minute and I was quiet, then I said "Do you want to kick again for Mommy?" and he did!! He is so smart :).

My Bump, my Bump, my Lovely Baby Bump

So far I haven't done a completely stellar job of keeping this blog updated. I have trouble getting motivated because I don't think anyone even reads this. I think, I already know what's going on with me and I don't really need to type it all out for myself to read. Although, as I write those very words, my next thought is, "Well it would still be good to process things instead of letting them get all jumbled up in your head!" Oh self, how right you are.

An update: Judah has been kicking alot lately! Sometimes it seems like he's moving nonstop all day long! Other days I don't feel that much movement. It's always so exciting when he does the big kicks, or when it feels like he's rolling around in my belly. He seems so big and strong in there!

Here is a recent picture of a growing belly with a growing baby inside. :)

 I had been cleaning and didn't have on my wedding rings. Oops!

Blessed By Baby!!!!!

I'm pregnant! And thrilled. :) Here are my first "real" baby bump pictures... I've taken a few but now you can actually tell there's a bump! I can't wait til I feel him/her kicking around, that should happen within the next few weeks. :) :) :)


4 months along...



I just can't wait til s/he comes out so I can hug and kiss and cuddle! We have a boy name picked out--sort of. Blake likes Captain and I like Judah. I prefer Judah Blake Jackson, but Blake seems stuck on Captain so it might end up being Captain Judah Jackson. We haven't really thought of any girls' names because I just KNOW it's a boy! It just is.

Got to go, Mom J is here for lunch.

Thankful

Life is hard lately, so, to cheer myself up, I'm going to make a list of things that I'm thankful for:

1.) I'm thankful that God forgives me and loves me in spite of how ugly and wretched I truly am.

2.) I'm thankful for my husband, Blake. He inspires me to live and love bigger. His selfless love for me reminds me of Christ, and he truly does 'give himself up for me' on a daily basis. I do not deserve him, but I am so glad I have him anyway!

3.) I'm actually surprisingly thankful that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm really beginning to see the importance of God's timing and remembering that He is sovereign and ever so much wiser than me. I am thankful that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want, when we want it; instead, He gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

4.) I'm thankful for my family. They give me the comfort of knowing that there are actually people in this world who get me, who I don't have to explain so much to.

5.) I am thankful that I have a place to live, that I don't go hungry any day of the week, that I have lots of great clothes and shoes and makeup that make me look and feel good, and that I can take a shower anytime I want, and that I have a car to drive and my own cell phone and pretty much lack nothing. Gosh, I am so lucky.

6.) I am thankful that I am in Florida and it is warm in November and I never have to be cold again! Well you never know exactly, but I am glad that, for now, I'm very comfortable and not cold.

7.) I'm thankful that I have a bed to sleep on and a hot and sexy lover to go cuddle with.


So I think I will go cuddle... :)