My heart is heavy. I feel so weighed down. My grandmother is in the hospital dying, and there are conflicts in my family that are causing me tremendous grief. Two of the people I love most insist on hating each other (even though they wouldn't put it that way--if the other person would just get their act together...) and I am stuck in the middle. Add that to my daily responsibilities in the house and my job, and I am overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no one to turn to--even though I know that feeling is a lie. I have God. For some reason that just isn't bringing me much peace right now. I guess I haven't done a very good job of depending on Him lately. I tend to get up close and then run and hide. So maybe it's time for me to come out of hiding... I just feel so broken with nothing to bring. I have this belief that I have to offer something to be worthy, to prove that I am worth God's time. I know that's not true, but I haven't started believing it yet.

My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.
Ps 6:3

P.E. & S.S.

Well, I'm not pregnant. In a way I'm kind of glad to know. It's really nerve-wracking not knowing. Now I know. Anyway, the Doc said it would probably be a couple months before things kick back in. I was kind of hoping for Power Egg and Super Sperm to prove him wrong, but I guess I'll have to wait like everyone else. It's kind of a relief, knowing I have at least a little more time Before Baby. A little more Just Us time.

Anyway, my life... I'm not up to much lately. I wish I painted more. I've been trying to figure out how to keep a clean house. It's easy to clean the house, but having a system where it is generally clean most of the time would be nice. I have no idea how these things work. I love doing the laundry, but the bathroom is never clean! I clean it and by the next day it's got spots and dust and who knows what else. Dishes... the bane of my existence. Blehhhhh.... Overall, though, I really don't mind cleaning. I love having a clean house. :)

Full Disclosure?

Some people are such good bloggers. They can write funny, witty, interesting stories and paragraphs about things from their lives, but without giving too much away. I don't think I have a good filter for what to share and not share. Because my impulse is to spill the beans, go into detail, and bare all. That would be interesting, no doubt about that... but do I really want strangers reading about things that I wouldn't want my family to know? And what if my family finds this blog...
What might be a no-brainer for some bloggers is becoming a real dilemma for me. I want to write, but I don't want to be weird. I long to be real, but I don't want to embarass myself or my husband, or anyone else involved in my crazy life. I've always been 'straight up'. I just come out and say how it is. I'm kind of bold. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get some grace with my truth. Are there any rules for this kind of thing?

I Want to Remember This

This morning Blake & I woke up and stayed in bed for a while having cozy pillow talk- my favorite. :) I asked him for the billionth time this week, "Do you think I'm pregnant?" He said, "I don't know." Then he pulled back the covers and put his face right next to my stomach and called out, "Hello? Is anyone in there? Can you hear me?" Then he put his ear to my belly and listened carefully. "Are you in there, Captain? Kick twice for yes and once for no!" I felt that feeling Blake always gives me when he's so wonderful I can barely stand it, and I can't grasp how this could be my life. Oh, the joy. Praise God for his grace and love! He gives good presents. :)

Puppies

I worry sometimes that becoming a mother this early in life could be a mistake. Will I regret it? Will I be there, with my child, wishing for something else? Will the love I feel really be enough to compensate for the sacrifices & challenges-- not in an idealistic, picturesque way, but in real, daily life? What about my body? I worry and I fret and I go around and around, but there aren't any real answers for me since this is all so new. I've never been here before, and this really seems to be one of those things that's different for everybody.
So, today at work, one of the regulars came in with his new puppy. This adorable, soft, cuddly golden retriever lab (my favorite dog, by the way). I was immediately smitten. Before I even knew what was happening, I was over there, all up in that puppy's face- petting her, asking questions (girl or boy? how old? etc.), and squealing with delight. It was amazing; I loved this puppy instantly. I just wanted to take her home and love her and cuddle her and I wouldn't care if she made a mess or barked too loud or whatever. I have to ask myself, if I can fall in love with this guy's dog, just like that, how much more amazing will be the love that I have for my own baby? I want to be pregnant now!